Now that my life is back on track

I can finally catch up on this thing.

Medical school has been of the most tumultuous times of my life. I don't say it because it's a first world problem that doesn't exist elsewhere (but it does), I say it because the events that have transpired since my last post are very important to me.

So in the beginning, med school owned me even though I was studying nonstop 24/7 over and over again. I didn't know why. Step 1 sucked for me, even though it shouldn't have. I understood physio like the back of my hand, but physio is only a part of the exam.

So flash-forward after screwing up (not totally, but pretty screwed up) the biggest exam of my life (and possibly the most important), we start rotations. Medicine sucked for me for all the same reasons other things sucked for me - I couldn't remember anything. It was like everyone around me had wonder memory. They just knew stuff. I felt like a loser, and I hadn't felt so suicidal and depressed since the incredible breakdown where my parents called security in 2nd year.

So that sucked. Next up, pediatric rotations. What the hell is this...my attending suspects a lot of my depression, my issues with med school...might be learning disability. She says she notices how I can never keep information organized, how my words and things are all over the place...ADHD she suggests. It's not uncommon to have ADHD in med students, not diagnosed until residency, when the depression sets in even harder. So she refers me to a neuropsychologist.

5 hours of neuropsych testing. I'm up there in smarts...but, wow...I'm in the 5th to 10th percentile in attention/distractibility.

What. The. Fuck. Is this serious? Is this seriously why I could never hang out with my friends, or feared so much going out to have fun because I knew I had to study so much?

Is this...seriously the answer?

Yeah, it was.

Forward to finally getting testing accomodations and medicines: Grades. Going. Up. Studying became easier. I still spend a lot of time reading over things, but I can finally read questions without skipping words (if I'm not under pressure), I can finally read through things and remember more of what I read. It's night and day. There is no comparison to what is happening to me. I can finally go out with friends, and study appropriately and still do well.

I almost want to cry. This was too much for me. I owe so much to Dr. Traba, the pediatrician who took the time to think "maybe this kid is fucking nuts because he has ADHD"...given my history of school, got in trouble a lot for calling out, acting like a lunatic, going to the principle's office...how the hell did no one see this in me before? Ah, I realized, it's because I did so well in school, that no one cared that I was loud and obnoxious and the kid everyone called "hyper and weird"....sheesh. And of course I owe so much to my beautiful girlfriend who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through!

Unfortunately, my poor grades in the beginning are a huge hindrance. I can't do the thing I wanted to do most - surgery. It's gone, and I just have to accept it. However, I have found a new love in psychiatry! It is less pressure, for one, but more importantly, I love the patient interaction (even if most of them are nuts), and I love the social aspect. It is abstract, and feels like Star Trek - going where other doctors don't go.

Things are getting better. I'm psychologically getting better. I feel like a newer person, a person who has finally been able to open the door and find that, well, it's kinda sunny outside, and it's pretty easy to breathe now.


Oh, and I almost forgot about magic stuff. Kaitlyn got me Designing Miracles. Can I just say how amazing this book is? Things I'm working on: billet/center tear work, David Solomon stuff. Oh, and I'm learning how to draw, also thanks to Kaitlyn!!!