Right field?

Because it's not left field.

In all seriousness, how did all of us come to decide that medicine was the right thing for us? Since I was in middle school I wanted to be a doctor. In high school, I went through bearing the idea that I would one day don a long white coat, and hadn't looked back. In college, I struggled a little with engineering, but I made it, and here I ended up in medical school, donning a short white coat as a student and upon graduating, hoping to exchange it for a way to help people full time.

What's happening now? Ever since I've started, I have just been doubting nonstop if this is what I was meant to do. I am so utterly afraid of wearing my white coat, feeling as though it is not mine to wear ever. When I do wear it, I feel anxious and afraid - I despise myself for wearing it. My entire life was wrapped tightly around that I could do this, though. Even now, I still want to do it, I really want to wear my white coat proudly because I thought it would represent how I could be around patients, but the road is more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

So now, I am not doubting whether I want to be a doctor, but worse, I am doubting if I CAN be a doctor. Yes, I think I'm good with people. I'm talkative, supportive, sympathetic, I have these qualities that I think is great in a doctor. But I don't know if I have the intelligence, the capabilities otherwise to get through these next 4 years. Other people have been doing so well on these academic exams, and still enjoying themselves. I work very, very hard, striving to understand the material in essence that I could use it to save someone's life (ideally), but these exams, I don't know what kind of reflection they are on me. Honestly, if I were to study any more or harder, I would lose all sight of actually being human. I'd just explode.

This feels like a crossroad I never thought I would encounter, and I am totally, utterly lost.

Hockey? Magic?

Today was my first hockey game ever, where my med school team (UMDNJ Medwings) faced off against the Condors, don't know where they're from though. We were really close! But just lost in the shoot-out at the end. Next time!

It's amazing what kind of magic tricks you can come up with just by learning several new tricks. For instance, I recently combined Oz Pearlman's "Quick Trick" handling, with the sleight used in "Design for Laughter" by Hugard. Together, I made a fun mentalist spelling card trick.

Geez, I'm so thirsty for orange juice.

Wonderful weekend, sort of...

...since that exam on Friday completely nailed me. I even forgot to erase my circled questions on the Scantron, AND forgot to bubble in the version of my exam. Luckily I emailed two professors about it and they seem to have forgiven me. But, that doesn't excuse the fact that I could have failed for all I know. It was that hard.

In other news, I'm compiling new card tricks thanks to a mixture of Paul Wilson and John Bannon, two amazing, amazing cardicians.

And, I just discovered Dan Sperry. His performance at the world magic awards was the most amazing dove routine I've ever seen.

Amazing...

...how uncertain a med student's life can still be.

It was weird that, originally everyone will tell you when you get your MD, you won't have to worry about a job.

Though, thinking about it now, and all the b.s. we have to go through for residency our future really is uncertain! We have little control over which hospital we want to work at after med school - it's entirely decided by a computer, and luck! Some people don't match into residency, so they're stuck doing research work, or internship work, or such and such.

Startin' to get a bit dark and scary, from where I'm standing.

A little about magic...

So yeah, watching and doing magic is my relief from med school. I've gotten through most of Royal Road, and I'm currently reading Bobo (Beauxbeau). I'm also studying spongeballs under the Ben Salinas DVD. Yes, I know it's Magic Makers and they have a reputation, but you can find even the toughest of hardballs on Magic Cafe and magictalk giving it a thumbs up.

There are two things I've learned about magic:

1) Sleight of hand is the real magic, so sayeth The Professor, Dai Vernon.

2) Never do magic for med students. They'll probably figure it out. If they can't, they still won't be too impressed. If they can't yet, they'll find those dumb reveal videos online, or they'll physically buy a product that explains it. If they can, they'll tell people how it's done. Med students are impossible to impress, really.

The thing I love about magic is that it contrasts my normal personality so much, and I need it. I'm normally a logician, a scientist, and a free thinker. However, doing magic, watching magic, and showing magic means I can suspend my own belief of reality for a while. It's something I was never good at until Kaitlyn convinced me to do magic tricks for her, and as I got more and more into it and learning it, I realized that about myself, that it's really all right to just "believe" rather than "know".

I also voluntarily do not choose to learn a trick if I know I won't be performing it. I keep everything a secret. I think it's something people SHOULD do. Don't bother learning a trick unless you're actually going to do it for someone else!

As I sit and study for tomorrow...

Med school is hard. I mean, really hard.

I never realized how hard it is just to stay average, and really, if I had discovered this in high school, more people probably would have liked me. It was just a matter of understanding.

The hardest part is not realizing exactly where I am. They say residencies like Internal Medicine or something, those are the biggest and therefore the most "middle of the line" to get into. But honestly, I don't know how I am compared to the "middle", because as far as I know I am below that mark.

The most common piece of advice I get is to not compare yourself to others. True, I try not to compare myself and I certainly don't try to compete in a way that I'm only happy if I'm doing better than X amount of people.

However, not once in my life have I ever felt like the road was so unclear. Pretty much, everything was always laid out for me. High school, didn't choose any of my classes except a small few. College, 7-year med told me exactly what I had to do, and I only one class I could "choose", but it had to be a Women/Gender Studies class. The only free class I ever had was that summer before med school, when I got to take a creative writing class at my local community college just for fun. For whatever reason, I suddenly lost the "it", and I haven't written since.

My point is, because I'm so used to having things set up for me, I don't know where I'm walking, and I don't know what advice to take. People have been telling me all kinds of things, and very little of it makes sense to me. It's so difficult when you're barely doing class average but people say you're not behind.

I just hope these things get cleared up eventually.