Right field?

Because it's not left field.

In all seriousness, how did all of us come to decide that medicine was the right thing for us? Since I was in middle school I wanted to be a doctor. In high school, I went through bearing the idea that I would one day don a long white coat, and hadn't looked back. In college, I struggled a little with engineering, but I made it, and here I ended up in medical school, donning a short white coat as a student and upon graduating, hoping to exchange it for a way to help people full time.

What's happening now? Ever since I've started, I have just been doubting nonstop if this is what I was meant to do. I am so utterly afraid of wearing my white coat, feeling as though it is not mine to wear ever. When I do wear it, I feel anxious and afraid - I despise myself for wearing it. My entire life was wrapped tightly around that I could do this, though. Even now, I still want to do it, I really want to wear my white coat proudly because I thought it would represent how I could be around patients, but the road is more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

So now, I am not doubting whether I want to be a doctor, but worse, I am doubting if I CAN be a doctor. Yes, I think I'm good with people. I'm talkative, supportive, sympathetic, I have these qualities that I think is great in a doctor. But I don't know if I have the intelligence, the capabilities otherwise to get through these next 4 years. Other people have been doing so well on these academic exams, and still enjoying themselves. I work very, very hard, striving to understand the material in essence that I could use it to save someone's life (ideally), but these exams, I don't know what kind of reflection they are on me. Honestly, if I were to study any more or harder, I would lose all sight of actually being human. I'd just explode.

This feels like a crossroad I never thought I would encounter, and I am totally, utterly lost.