As I sit and study for tomorrow...

Med school is hard. I mean, really hard.

I never realized how hard it is just to stay average, and really, if I had discovered this in high school, more people probably would have liked me. It was just a matter of understanding.

The hardest part is not realizing exactly where I am. They say residencies like Internal Medicine or something, those are the biggest and therefore the most "middle of the line" to get into. But honestly, I don't know how I am compared to the "middle", because as far as I know I am below that mark.

The most common piece of advice I get is to not compare yourself to others. True, I try not to compare myself and I certainly don't try to compete in a way that I'm only happy if I'm doing better than X amount of people.

However, not once in my life have I ever felt like the road was so unclear. Pretty much, everything was always laid out for me. High school, didn't choose any of my classes except a small few. College, 7-year med told me exactly what I had to do, and I only one class I could "choose", but it had to be a Women/Gender Studies class. The only free class I ever had was that summer before med school, when I got to take a creative writing class at my local community college just for fun. For whatever reason, I suddenly lost the "it", and I haven't written since.

My point is, because I'm so used to having things set up for me, I don't know where I'm walking, and I don't know what advice to take. People have been telling me all kinds of things, and very little of it makes sense to me. It's so difficult when you're barely doing class average but people say you're not behind.

I just hope these things get cleared up eventually.